Schnitzel

An oldie but goodie…

Several years ago, I became involved in the Orthodox Jewish community. But given that I was 25 years old (kinda old to be single in this world) and didn't grow up observant, I was confronted with several social stigmas about "people like me" when I started dating.

I politely turned down the majority of suitor suggestions (40-something widowers, unemployed men that lived with parents, etc) until one matchmaker told me that I was being "difficult," that I should really try this one guy - Schnitzel... I decided to go for it.

The plan was to get coffee while I was in town. Schnitzel was 30-something, wore a full suit (seriously, with a matching vest), bald, cross eyed, short, stocky. Schnitzel wasn't able to "drive at night" (because of a vision problem) and picked me up with a Brooklyn car service. We went for "coffee" at Schnitzel's "favorite SUSHI bar" which, incidentally, did not serve coffee. He ordered chicken teriyaki, I ordered soup (I had already eaten... thinking that we were just getting coffee).

The conversation was OK until he started asking what I had thus far learned about Jewish laws regarding marital relations. Bearing in mind that this is a man that grew up Orthodox, is 30-something, and that Schnitzel is not only a virgin but has never even touched a woman (consistent with the expectations of the community), I was mortified that he wanted to talk about this subject in a public place, on a first date. Think I zoned out for a moment...

Then I heard him say, "...according to Jewish law, a man can have his wife anyway he likes..." – picks up a piece of chicken - "...kinda like chicken! BBQ'd, baked, filleted..." Schnitzel flashed me what was supposed to be a seductive smirk. But it just came off really creepy in the context my visualizing this man naked, in my bedroom, holding a filleting knife and BBQ sauce, waiting to attack me. In my moment of panicked silence, Schnitzel bought me one of the roses from a vendor in the restaurant, smashed it against his nose, closed his eyes and gave the bud a dramatic sniff before handing it to me.

An eternity passed before the check came.... We walked to the car service pick-up, drove back to my friend's house, and Schnitzel asked when I was leaving town tomorrow and if I have time to get brunch. "Early. I won't have time."

The matchmaker calls 30 min later to tell me this guy is in love! Schnitzel can't wait to go out again; can't I delay my trip back? I tell her what happened. She says, "well, Schnitzel was just trying to relate to you knowing that you grew up secular and are probably preoccupied with that kind of sex talk... You shouldn't be picky, what with your age and growing up outside the community..."

Last call I ever took from her. And a few years later, I finally left the community entirely.