BeachBum

BeachBum asked me out for a Sunday night date. Two days later BeachBum called again to say that he had to move the date to Saturday night because the surf was going to be particularly good on Sunday and he didn’t want to get up early and then have to go on a date later in the evening. At 8:37pm on Saturday, he called to say that he was running late and that he would be there at 10pm. At 10:15pm BeachBum called to say that he was lost and despite the fact that there are only a few dozen websites that can map the most unambiguous directions from your house to a ship in the Caspian Sea, he was on the wrong street.

At 10:43pm, he called to say he was out front, but by this time I was over it. I said, “No thanks, it’s just too late.”

He apologized and pleaded to get a “quick bite” and apologized again. I walked outside and saw a car parked in the front. I walked to the driver’s side window in the pouring rain like a hooker to make sure it was BeachBum(since he gave no indication) and for some unimaginable reason, I got in.

BeachBum makes no apologies for being late. Takes a stab at small talk, drives to a café a few blocks away. A sudden moment of chivalry comes over him and he offers to let me out of the car before he parks so I don’t step in a puddle when I get out. OK. He’s being nice, considerate… he’s getting out of the car, opening his umbrella… grabbing his crotch like bout of herpes is coming on.

Well at least he then proceeds to speed-walk as fast as he can about six feet ahead of me which is thankful because whatever is making him grab himself like that is likely contagious.

He had no intention of eating and just ordered tea (he told me and the waitress he drank 18 cups of green tea daily) even though the restaurant had a minimum. Knowing that I was from California and used to surf myself, BeachBum said that he never cared for female surfers, and that east coast surfers are much better than west coast surfers. "It’s a fact," he says. It’s not a fact, stupid.

I have never, ever walked out of a date before, but I was starving, growing increasingly frustrated and could see that the bagel shop across the street was open until midnight.

I looked at my date and said, “This is awkward but I’m having a terrible time, I’m starving and I want to go get a bagel across the street. Enjoy your meal and good luck to you!”

His mouth hung open in shock. While waiting for my bagel, I got a text message from the friend who set us up: “How was the date?!!!!”