What if we were able to calculate online dating trends?

Well, given that online dating all happens on the most mathematically sophisticated platform known to mankind, it's possible.

I can't believe I never thought about this but I'm glad someone did. Last year, OKCupid.com completed a study analyzing 500,000 first email messages for open rates and response rates and was able to come up with some rules for the perfect first message.

The basic points were -
-Men: don't tell a woman that she's sexy cause it's skeazy and (I loved this part) chances are, "you're not";
-Everyone: Typos and netspeak are toxic in a first message;
-Everyone: Use an unusual greeting (although, the best result based on this study is "how's it going" which, I'm sorry, is not "unusual"); and
-Everyone: Invoking the name of the Lord is a turn-off... indeed, mentioning that you're an Atheist scores big points.


Some of the results are obvious like this one suggesting that male self effacement makes a man seem less threatening (duh):


And digging in deeper on other obvious notions like "mentioning something specific about a profile," I was kind of surprised by which specific references seemed to be the most popular:


REALLY? Tattoos outranked LITERATURE? Both of which were eclipsed by "ZOMBIE"?

The nerd in me wants to export all of the first messages I have received from online dating sites and run them through a pivot table to see the trends. Which would be a lot of work... but the real deterrent is that opening all of those messages to copy them into the spreadsheet would signal to these guys that I looked at their profile after we communicated and/or went out and it didn't work. And there's some mind-game element in that exercise, I think.

Zipped

Last night, I went to a FREE performance at Mannes (The New School). Let's start with why this was free - the performers are students. Don't get me wrong, they were quite talented but they were also young and so while they could technically play the music, it didn't have the same passion as performances by more accomplished musicians. And, the "hall" had seating for 20 - 25 people. It was cozy.

The first piece included a guitar player. After the first piece, some of the performers sat with the audience (all 8 of us), including the guitar player (who looked all of 15 years old, complete with acne, bad style, and a dopey haircut) who was greeted by what I assume was his girlfriend. He had just finished his performance and was sporting a giant smile and a SWAGGER.

It's a performance, in a small space, and it was QUIET. Every single sound in the room was amplified. As the second performance started, the guitar player and his girlfriend sat behind me and started making out. Which I heard because like I said, you could hear everything in this room. Oh and by the way - we weren't in the dark, every light in this room was on. So, I'm sitting roughly 2 feet in front of this young couple who I can tell are making out when I hear a new sound... the sound of a zipper. A ZIPPER! I tried to tell myself that one of them was wearing a jacket? Or a hoodie? Or something that would not be horribly inappropriate to unzip in public... That worked until a small moan escaped one of them....

So then I sat through the rest of the performance leaning my head on my hand, covering my ear and watching the clock, waiting to get out of there. An eternity later, I left at the intermission, and didn't look back.

I guess I understand that the performance high might make you feel more amorous and at that same time, alter your sense of what is and is not appropriate behavior... But YIKES!

Uncle Fester

Just how strong is the power of suggestion?

Well, on Sunday, I was telling my sister about how I hate going to singles functions that don't have any formal structure. Why? First, because while I'm professionally very outgoing, I find floating through a room of complete strangers terrifying.

And second, because I am overwhelmed at these functions, I'll allow anyone to latch on to me so that I don't have to be alone, minimizing my anxiety but often creating a whole new set of problems.

Case in point - Uncle Fester. I met Uncle Fester at a speed dating event I went to with a friend. At the halftime break of a marathon of thirty, 3 minute dates, there was a breather to get a drink, food, and catch up with anyone that you really wanted to chat with for more than 3 minutes. I actually did have someone in mind to chat with but wasn't prepared to make the first move. And in the time it took me to consider this, Uncle Fester made his move.

As the nickname implies, Uncle Fester was a dead-ringer for Christopher Lloyd's portrayal of Uncle Fester Addams in Addams Family Values . And I mean serious look alike - the face, the body, the gait. Even if this man spoke with the prose of Vladimir Nabokov and shared 100% of my political and cultural interests - which he absolutely did not - I would never be able to desire him physically.

It was the longest 3 minute date that night and then, when he cornered me during the dating halftime, I was challenged to stay cordial (he looks like a psycho! If you didn't know that Uncle Fester Addams was scary looking but actually a decent guy, he'd freak you out, right?).

Suffice it to say, I didn't list Uncle Fester as one of my matches and thought we'd never see each other again.

WRONG.

Monday was a beautiful night. I took my book club read to a bar near my apartment with the intention of sitting outside with a glass of my favorite Malbec and an order of churros y chocolat when I see Uncle Fester. He's on a date and that's cool because I assume it means he won't talk to me, so I take a seat at a table ~10 feet from him and start reading.

He definitely recognized me. Every time I looked up from my book (which was frequent because it was dragging), I saw him staring at me. And without saying a word to me, he made himself known by bumping - more forcefully each successive time - into my table every time he walked by to frequent the men's room. And I mean "frequent" (Jesus, Uncle Fester, I'd get that checked out!).

The last time he walked by my table was on his way out. Hoping I might order more food, the waiter left my menu on the other side of the table, hanging over the edge. A dozen people had walked by my table prior without incident but Uncle Fester managed to...

walk straight into the corner of the menu,

pushing it across the table,

knocking over my half full glass of water (yeah, I consciously chose to write "half full"),

onto the candle that was actually a tea light in a glass holder with a roll of white paper around it,

that CAUGHT FIRE,

that was then extinguished in the pool of water from the fallen water glass.

And if it sounds like it was a scene, you're right. It was.

The live Spanish folk band stopped playing.

I was at an NYC restaurant sitting outside which meant that my table was actually on the sidewalk of a moderately trafficked street and pedestrians stopped to see what was going on.

The bartender with whom I have had a rapport for two years, LUNGED OVER THE BAR to my aide before joining me in hysterical laughter.

And Uncle Fester flushed, in horror.

It was so comical, so crazy, if Uncle Fester didn't repulse me, I would have kissed him.

Why didn't you write?

Most online dating sites have a feature that allows you to see who has viewed your profile. You can choose to block people from knowing that you looked at their profile but in the online dating world, I kind of think of this being the equivalent of making eye contact in a bar. You're sending a signal that at a minimum implies some interest in knowing more about this person.

From there, if you do not write to the person, there are a few reasons why:

1. You read the profile, looked at the pictures that the person posted, and are not interested in knowing more and definitely not signaling to communicate;
2. You accidentally clicked on the wrong thumbnail;
3. You saw that this person was checking you out and you wanted to know who it was;
4. You're a woman and much as every man invites you to write to them in their profile essay (indeed, just posting a profile on the site is an invitation for messages), they really want to be the ones pursuing you. So, you just have to wait and see if the "I looked at your profile" move will push him to contact you; or
5. You are interested and need some time to think of what to say.

Yesterday, I looked at loads of profiles. Some fell into that #4 category but many fell into #1. The result? I got seven emails from men this morning; 1 from someone I'm interested in and 6 from people that I have no interest in pursuing.

What's funny to me is that the majority of those 6 messages were just as unappealing as their profiles. Check out this one:

i see you stopped by and did not say "what's up."

i know it can be intimidating to be in the presence of such a sexy attractive man.

so, tell me some interesting things about yourself that would make me want to get to know you better.

Yeah, that is an actual message that I received from a man that, presumably, is interested in me. Now, I didn't write to this guy for several reasons but I'm considering whether or not a reply to his message presents a "teachable moment." Doesn't have to be cruel but could just say:

Dear WhyDidntYouWrite,
Thanks for your note. I didn't write to you after viewing your profile because I didn't think we had much in common. But your message to me was so bizarre, I couldn't help but respond.

I'm not sure what you hope to accomplish with your message. First, you rebuke me for looking at your profile without taking action ("i see you stopped by and did not say 'what's up.'"). Then, knowing your profile didn't encourage me to contact you, you compliment the features of yourself that didn't impress me to begin with ("i know it can be intimidating to be in the presence of such a sexy attractive man"). And finally, after looking at the profile I wrote which presents several things I believe to be interesting about myself, you want me to come up with more to entice you ("so, tell me some interesting things about yourself that would make me want to get to know you better").

Is it safe to assume that you didn't read my profile and that this is the form message you send to everyone? I hope so because if this is an original attempt at flirting with me specifically, it doesn't make much sense. Ordinarily, I'd just not reply and even now, I should be clear that I am not interested... but I wanted you to know that this is not an effective message. And if it is the standard cut and paste job that you're sending to everyone, you're likely going to attract someone super insecure and dull that will feed your narcissism until you tire of them. Maybe that's the kind of relationship you're looking for - if so, continue sending this message to women that visit your profile - but if it isn't, I feel like you'd be better to send a note that follows this format (in all lower case, as you seem to like) - hey, i noticed you cruised by my profile and so i took a look at yours. i really liked what you said about (insert something specific from the woman's profile). (insert follow up question about that specific thing)? look forward to hearing from you.

Doesn't that seem like a less jack-assy message than the one you sent me? Try it out! I bet you get more responses. Seriously, find a bookie and I would put money on it. Well, before I did that, I'd want you to correct the typos in your profile essays because I can't get behind that sort of sloppiness... But once that was fixed, yes, I'd stake money on the effectiveness of this message. Much luck to you!
-me

I'm going to think about this longer but I kind of want to send that message...

Cuffed

Cuffed took me to get a drink at this really fun board-game-themed bar by NYU. I was having a much better time than I had expected I would. Really, I wasn’t so sure a second date with Cuffed would be a great idea, so my expectations were low. And whether that made me more pleasantly surprised or not, Cuffed is much more attractive tonight than last time. And, I’m also enjoying at least an hour as the queen of Backgammon (either this guy sucks or he’s figured out that letting me win at any board game is the Express Way into My Pants).

So when we got to my apartment, I invited him in. Not thinking we were going to have sex, but giving him the signal to make a move. And it was freezing outside. So Cuffed comes in. And he’s sitting on the side of the couch next to an end table with a drawer that I have just jammed random things into for a long time… he OPENS THE DRAWER… and pulls out a set of handcuffs.

Not just handcuffs, but handcuffs with leg irons that I purchased for some stupid reason years ago and evidently, never threw away. Leaving aside the fact that it is so wrong to open up anything that is closed in someone else's apartment, not to mention, IN FRONT OF THEM, I was mortified. I think my heart stopped; I was acutely aware that I hadn’t exhaled in a long time. Frozen, I watched him fully appreciate the weight of the handcuffs, the fact that there were leg irons. In slow motion, I watched him slap one of the cuffs onto his wrist… And I exhaled into a giant laugh when I realized I did not know where the key was.

I mean, I kinda knew where the keys were but wasn’t positive and I guess I thought that me laughing would mask my panic. Guess what? That can only work so long because about a nanosecond went by before he smiled and asked where the key was.

And I did my best to look sure of myself when I opened the drawer to fish out the key. Wouldn’t you know, the key wasn’t there. And now we’re both aware of the situation and first-date-Cuffed is back and I remembered why I wasn’t feeling it with him.

Several - as in about 30 - tense minutes elapse before we find the key and release Cuffed... My mind weaving this nightmare situation about calling a locksmith that would need to come take them off... with an electric saw... that didn't work nights...

But we found the key.

And, we're done for the night.

'Cover' Boy

He saw my guitar, sat down and played Blackbird, which i loved... then, he played it again slower and called it a "Watson Girls cover of Blackbird"... Then, he played it again with a different picking pattern and called it a "Bright Eyes cover of Blackbird"...

Then it occurred to me that he had played this entire song 3 times at 3 different speeds and i was like "is he trying to impress me because i just said i loved this song OR is this the only song he knows how to play?"

It's got to be the first one, right?

CreepyOnlineGuy

So, there's an option on the online dating site that I use that allows you to IM other members if they are also online. I tend to avoid it because the conversations typically go like this:

(for context, he said he had many stories about "crazy women" online:

Me: ok, CreepyOnlineDater, let's hear it
CreepyOnlineDater: I hesitate to tell you because you might conclude I deserved it
Me: i'm a woman. i learned in PE that no means "no"
Me: i'll trust you weren't asking for it
CreepyOnlineDater: Hmmn, they taught you that in PE.
Me: public school, you know
CreepyOnlineDater: well, let me preface this by disclosing I have cybersex on Jdate with a fair amount of frequency

Me (clicks “exit”)

Cheapo

Let's start at the beginning - I liked Cheapo's profile. Through the service, Cheapo indicated that he liked mine, as well. A couple days later, I got an email from a woman on the site that I did not know with the subject line "Message from a friend" and the opening line was "Don't be afraid."

Yeah. That should have been sketchy enough for me to not pursue Cheapo. But...

I liked his profile and according to his friend, Cheapo "couldn't" have an account on the site. Don't ask me why but I found that intriguing, I concocted a sordid tale of this bad boy that was denied an account in my head and fully committed to that idea, I emailed Cheapo at the address provided by his friend.

My first question was - why can't you have an account on the site. The answer? Hold on to your hats... he can't have an account because he finds full (i.e. PAID) membership overwhelming; he can't stop himself from logging in and the membership is entirely too consuming.

Or... he's cheap.

Anyway, we begin an odd email exchange. Sometimes he offers a witty remark and other times he says something lame; in either scenario, his messages are riddled with typos.

We decide to meet for a drink. I don't know why. I plan to go to the grocery store next to the bar after I spend an hour with him and leave. But many hours later, I'm interested. And surprisingly attracted to him. A couple days later, we went out again.

Then nothing. I had no indication that he wasn't interested so I invited him out. He accepted then cancelled and I decided to let it go. Really, truly let it go. Like, I forced myself to forget what Cheapo looked like and what he did for a living. Which became a problem today when we ran into each other. Well, "run in" isn't quite right. I showed up at Cheapo's work for an event and didn't remember that he worked there until he turned on his microphone and started talking. I was stuck... I sat through a two hour film and then planned to duck out but then there was a Q&A with the director led by... Cheapo.

Finally, finally the event ended and I got up to leave. My friend ran out ahead of me to catch the film Director to ask him a question. So, alone, I walked down the stairs, following everyone out, passing by Cheapo who I'm certain saw me, and made the split-second decision to not acknowledge him and walk out.

I don't know what's more shameful - that I avoided him or that I ever went out with him in the first place.

Care Bears, Stare!

I had a dream last night about a guy I recently went out with. We were sitting on my sofa, drinking wine, when I decided that we were friendly enough for me to ask him why things hadn’t worked out between us. Yeah, it sounds as painful as you’re already, cringingly thinking about.

“I have to ask you something and I want you to be completely, brutally honest with me.”

“OK.”

Insistently, “I mean it. I don’t want you to hold back at all.”

Slow and reluctant: “Um, OK.”

I could tell at that moment he was so not going to be cool with me asking this question, and that it looked like his heart was about to beat out of his chest. And you couldn’t force me to ask what happened between us, because I thought I’d rather die than ever allow something so ridiculous to come out of my mouth. Holy smokes, I can barely process the stupidity of addressing my question to HIM.

So I changed gears and with my well-honed, quick thinking Improv mind said the first thing I could think of:


(Seriously and with a completely straight face)"Did you ever watch The Care Bears on Saturday mornings?"

Yeah, that’s what I said. In my dream, that is. And I think the subconscious experience was all that I will ever need as an answer.