Cuffed

Cuffed took me to get a drink at this really fun board-game-themed bar by NYU. I was having a much better time than I had expected I would. Really, I wasn’t so sure a second date with Cuffed would be a great idea, so my expectations were low. And whether that made me more pleasantly surprised or not, Cuffed is much more attractive tonight than last time. And, I’m also enjoying at least an hour as the queen of Backgammon (either this guy sucks or he’s figured out that letting me win at any board game is the Express Way into My Pants).

So when we got to my apartment, I invited him in. Not thinking we were going to have sex, but giving him the signal to make a move. And it was freezing outside. So Cuffed comes in. And he’s sitting on the side of the couch next to an end table with a drawer that I have just jammed random things into for a long time… he OPENS THE DRAWER… and pulls out a set of handcuffs.

Not just handcuffs, but handcuffs with leg irons that I purchased for some stupid reason years ago and evidently, never threw away. Leaving aside the fact that it is so wrong to open up anything that is closed in someone else's apartment, not to mention, IN FRONT OF THEM, I was mortified. I think my heart stopped; I was acutely aware that I hadn’t exhaled in a long time. Frozen, I watched him fully appreciate the weight of the handcuffs, the fact that there were leg irons. In slow motion, I watched him slap one of the cuffs onto his wrist… And I exhaled into a giant laugh when I realized I did not know where the key was.

I mean, I kinda knew where the keys were but wasn’t positive and I guess I thought that me laughing would mask my panic. Guess what? That can only work so long because about a nanosecond went by before he smiled and asked where the key was.

And I did my best to look sure of myself when I opened the drawer to fish out the key. Wouldn’t you know, the key wasn’t there. And now we’re both aware of the situation and first-date-Cuffed is back and I remembered why I wasn’t feeling it with him.

Several - as in about 30 - tense minutes elapse before we find the key and release Cuffed... My mind weaving this nightmare situation about calling a locksmith that would need to come take them off... with an electric saw... that didn't work nights...

But we found the key.

And, we're done for the night.